Becoming a diplomatic spouse: A Personal Journey

Before Leaving

In August 2023, I left my job, once more. I packed my life in suitcases, once more. I took a plane towards a new adventure, once more. Nothing new there. However, the novelty this time, was that I was not the main character of this chapter of my life. I had moved countries for my studies, I had moved countries to pursue work opportunities and I had recently moved countries for love. It had always been about me and the opportunities I wanted to pursue. But this time, we would be moving for Daniël’s work. I would simply be the trailing spouse, accompanying him on his next career move.

Our move was organized through his job and he was getting all the info. I basically only had to pack my suitcase. (Ok, the reality of it was that I spent months planning our move, shopping for all the furniture we had to put in our container and thinking of everything we might need and might not be able to easily find in Benin. Turns out we now have enough shampoo and deodorant for the next 5 years, but that’s a story for another day).

Of course, embarking on this life was a joint decision and we were both very excited at the idea of jumping on a new adventure and living together in a new country that is not one of our home countries for the first time. I wanted this life as much as him and taking the passenger seat was simply a step needed to achieve our joint goal. So I was ok with that.

This time, however certain I was about this decision, the feeling was different for me. I didn’t have a plan lined up for when we arrived in Cotonou. I was of course hoping that I could continue my career seamlessly in another country like I had done many times before, but I didn’t have any certainty before leaving. The Ministry would be compensating most of my lost salary, so at least money wouldn’t be a stress factor.

For the first time in my life since my teenage years, I was faced with a white canvas: I could do anything I wanted while not suffering financially. It was as scary as exciting. So many ideas popped into my head. When is it in life that you can be paid to do whatever you would like? Plus, the Ministry would also give me an annual budget to study any topic (or so) during the whole duration of our posting.

FINDING A JOB IN COTONOU

When we first arrived in Cotonou, my full-time job was of course to get us settled. Daniël had to start working right away. So, as told in my previous article, it was up to me to find housing, a car, and get familiar with the local ways to create a new life here for us. I joined a social club, I met people, I went on touristic visits, I got to know the local culture, and I of course managed all our (still ongoing) house problems through it all.

After a few months, however, when we started to feel a little more settled, I found myself with the time to finally start reflecting and then the question popped into my head: what the hell am I going to do with my life here?

My first idea was of course to try to keep my career. A new hotel was opening in Cotonou and I was very excited at the possibility of joining their team. However, the recruitment process was the most chaotic and red-flaggish I had ever experienced. I started wondering if I wanted it bad enough or if I would dodge a bullet if it didn’t work out. The answer came to me quickly after the hotel made it clear that they would only hire me if I would work weekends, even in an office position.

It would have been a very nice promotion for me, but given the required schedule, I chose to decline. With Daniël’s schedule at the embassy being Monday to Friday, it made no sense for me to work weekends, as we would have no time together. And so, once again, I prioritized my relationship over my career and I don’t regret it at all.

After my only “regular” career opportunity in the city fell through, the question came back: what the hell am I going to do with my life here? I could, of course, have tried to find another job, but I realized that I wasn’t really interested in doing so. Most salaries in Cotonou are so low that I wasn’t willing to work long hours in a job I wasn’t interested in for peanuts. To give you an idea, the salary I could expect as a Marketing Manager in Cotonou was probably around 12.000 EUR annually (about 18 000 CAD).

The minimum annual salary in Benin for a 40-hour week job is 956 EUR (1 400 CAD per year). Therefore, the marketing salary mentioned is a very high salary here, which also means that the amount of local taxes that I would have to pay is quite insane. I would basically be left with 6.000 EUR net per year (9 000 CAD net per year) for a 40-hour week job. So, although I would have loved the experience to keep my resume alive, I simply couldn’t rationalize it.

I started asking myself what my passions are and what I could potentially be interested in studying since I was given a budget anyways. Might as well use it! I had always had a strong interest in interior design, a passion probably also fueled by my almost-decade in the hospitality industry. I therefore decided to enroll in an online course with the National Design Academy in the United Kingdom. I was loving it and it filled my days perfectly.

As the time went on, I also realized that it would have been difficult for me to work full time at an office anyways, as we were having so many house problems that I needed to constantly manage plumbers, electricians, glaziers, carpenters, etc. I have now added all the times I have had to be home because a worker was coming and, in total, in 2024, I have spent the equivalent of one full month being home supervising house fixing. ONE MONTH!!!!! For a house that was supposed to be at “expat” standards and checked by experts before we moved in. It’s so ridiculous that I can’t even wrap my head around it. If you have read my previous article, you also understand that it’s because some workers here don’t fix things properly on purpose to make more money.

When you experience water cuts for days if not weeks every single month, and can’t shower nor flush the (only) toilet in the house, it really starts getting to you. I’m honestly surprised that I’m not bald yet given that I’ve pulled my hair out so often in the past year while dealing with these situations over and over (however, Daniël wasn’t as lucky…). We had decided to spend the Holidays in Cotonou this year to experience it in our house… what a mistake. We ended up spending Christmas day without water and electricity. I have now officially baptized our house “The House of Misfortune”.

The only silver lining is that it really makes us realize what we take for granted in developed countries. It really hits us when we go back home for a visit and we realize that we don’t have to hope that water will come out when we open the tap to take a shower in the morning. When you live in a country where a big part of the population doesn’t even have electricity at home or access to running water, it also makes you feel silly for even complaining. However, although some could say that we’re getting a more authentic Benin experience, we didn’t really sign up to live like that for 3 years.

Identity Crisis

Then, in the midst of it all, between online courses and house issues, I also found myself having somewhat of an identity crisis. I felt naked without my career. When I met new people at events and they asked me “and what do you do?” I just froze and then ended up answering “I’m Daniël’s partner” or “I’m here because of Daniël’s work”. I was cringing just hearing myself say that out loud. (Update: I now introduce myself as a student in the middle of a career change!)

I felt bad for my parents who paid for me to go to university. I felt bad for having invested so much time and energy in my studies and my career, all of that for it to stop suddenly. I felt shame for my public LinkedIn profile that was now displaying nothing as current work experience. During the worst days, I was imagining all the feminists who have fought for women to take their place in the workplace rising from their tomb to chase me for now being “just a trailing spouse and housewife”. I was judging myself harshly.

You see, deep down I knew that I didn’t give up my career out of laziness or because I “want to be taken care of by my partner”. Had we moved to an “easier” country, with a more similar culture and decent salaries, I would most probably have continued my career normally. But the specific circumstances here made it less than ideal for me to do so, and I made the conscious choice to take a break from my “normal” career and take advantage of this paid free time to explore other avenues for my future. Nevertheless, I was crippled by what I thought society would think of my situation.

I started reading on the topic and found that it’s actually quite a common situation for diplomatic spouses. You are expected to just follow your partner to a foreign country and just figure it out by (and for) yourself. Of course, some are lucky to be able to continue their current job remotely, but that was unfortunately not the case for me. Some are also lucky to move to countries where there is a bigger embassy where partners can get hired to work on a local contract. Unfortunately, the Embassy of the Netherlands in Cotonou is quite small, so that wasn’t possible for me. I stumbled upon this article written for Global Affairs Canada on LinkedIn that explains challenges partners face when becoming a “trailing partner” and how it requires an incredible amount of resilience. This was a comforting balm for me, as it felt less lonely.

Of course, I was mostly hanging out with other trailing spouses here in Cotonou, especially women. However, most of them are a lot older than me, so they had either fully embraced their life as a stay-at-home mom/housewife already or had figured it out and made a career change a long time ago to keep that aspect of their life going. Some of them had, as already mentioned, been able to keep doing their jobs remotely (mostly men for some reason) and some of them had taken up local job for a less-than mediocre salary just to feel some purpose again. I realized that there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to this reality and that everyone goes through their own unique journey of discovery to figure out what works for them. I just had to figure out what I wanted and what was best for our family.

Embracing my new reality

During the past year, I also took this opportunity to get fully involved in the diplomatic life. I supported the embassy to host events, such as the Dutch national day, and even acted as translator for a press conference. I also got to dress up fancy to attend the US Marine Ball and attend other countries’ national days, such as the German one, pictured below. That was the nice part and made me feel like I was “part of the team”.

And so I continued my studies and, eight months later, I got my Diploma in Professional Interior Design. I signed up for additional courses to perfect my skills on specific design programs and I started sketching up what having a remote interior design services business could look like for me. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. My business could follow me to any country we would be sent to in the future and would save me from having to find a new job in a new country every time. I would also have all the flexibility needed to manage our international relocations, support our life abroad and one day be present for our children. My idea is not yet set in stone, as part of me still misses having the satisfaction of a corporate hotel marketing job, but I’m keeping my options open. Stay tuned… In the meantime, if anyone has a remote hotel marketing job to offer me, I’m all ears of course!

In the midst of it all, I also started writing a book. It’s a book about Daniël and I’s unconventional love story and all the roadblocks we had to go through to make it work. Best case scenario it becomes an international bestseller (or a cheesy Netflix movie), worst case I’m sure my mom will enjoy reading it and maybe even our future children. Since I started writing about our new diplomatic life on this blog, a lot of people have reached out to me saying that with all the funny stories and misfortunes happening to us, it would make for a good book! I had initially planned on stopping my book after the moment when I moved to the Netherlands (since after this Daniël and I became a “normal” couple who just fights over stupid things, so it’s not that fascinating), but who knows, maybe I’ll go on to talk about our diplomatic adventures in more details after all.

This fall, I also found myself a new full-time job: wedding planner! Daniël and I got engaged in June 2024 and are getting married in May 2025, so I had no time to lose! Planning a wedding in Italy, when I am from Canada, he is from the Netherlands and we live in Benin wasn’t without challenges. Being the perfectionist, control-freak that I am, I of course preferred doing everything myself (plus, I had the time!). I have to say I’m quite happy and excited about how things turned out and how I managed to do everything remotely. Might I remind you that companies don’t deliver to Benin, not even Amazon, so most things are patiently waiting for me in Canada until I go to pick them up in person in March. Hopefully the luggage with my dress won’t get lost… wish me luck! Anyways, I was quite grateful to have the chance to fully invest myself in wedding planning this fall, as I know it would have been a different story if I had worked full-time as well. Now at least the little girl in me is very happy!

All in all

Embracing my new role as diplomatic spouse was challenging and, to be honest, I can’t say that I have found my footing completely yet. I’m still figuring things out and I am now realizing that I might have to figure new things out in every new country where we will be posted, as our lives might be completely different elsewhere. I think that, of course, the country where we live makes, and will make, a huge difference. I have to admit that Benin is not the country for me. I’m grateful that we said yes to this experience; we wanted a big thrilling adventure before starting to try to have children and boy did we get it! Although many people absolutely love living here, I am unfortunately not one of them. And that feeling has for sure impacted how I feel in my new role, as the two are interconnected. That being said, I absolutely don’t regret saying yes to this adventure, as it has also brought me so much.

It has now been almost 1.5 years since I became a diplomatic spouse. Here are my takeaways:

1. Be patient. It’s a big decision to leave everything to follow your spouse abroad. Give yourself some time to adapt to your new reality and find who you are in this role. I’m happy that more and more diplomats are women and/or LGBTQ+ and that the “trailing spouse” role is therefore a lot more gender-mixed than before. I personally find it nice to see that not only women are sacrificing their careers for their family, what a breath of fresh air!
2. Take advantage of your new situation. I would probably never have gone back to studying full-time if it weren’t for this opportunity. I would also probably not have been able to plan my wedding with as much attention and time as I wanted. I would also not have travelled as much in the past year. This situation has perks and it’s ok to embrace them!
3. Don’t compare yourself. Every situation is unique with factors such as the country you are in, your age, your career and its remote opportunities, your family situation, etc. It’s easy to get in your head and say “but they managed to make it work so why can’t I?”, but the truth is that your situation is probably different from theirs. Figure out what works for YOU, without shame.
4. Don’t let the fear of judgment bring you down. I realized that whatever we do, people always have something to say. I made a decision for the good of our family and for our future and I stand behind it.