To keep living abroad or to settle down?

For the past 5 years, this question has been a constant struggle in my mind. No matter how much I think about it and how much I analyze all facets of the question, I can’t seem to arrive to a satisfying conclusion.

After living in 4 different countries in 4 years, I have now been back home in Canada for almost 2 years. Although I felt the call to come back home and re-root myself in familiar surroundings, coming back came with its challenges. Then, for a while, I thought I was done living abroad. I felt happy with the life I was starting to create for myself here and did not feel this urge to leave again.

But then, right when things were going good, came the pandemic. Suddenly, I felt trapped. The feeling was almost instant. As soon as the border closed, I started the process to obtain my Italian citizenship with the hope of working in Europe in the near future. It was as if not being able to leave the country anymore made me realize how much I wanted and needed to leave again. To live abroad again. To immerse myself in a new culture for an extended period of time again. To feel that thrill again. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t done with living abroad just yet. That’s when I realized I couldn’t start settling down here without having the satisfaction of having lived abroad enough.

The decision to either live abroad again or not might sound obvious to some of you. Huh, hello? OF COURSE YOU SHOULD! However, the reality of the situation is not that easy. First, I often have to face the flagrant lack of understanding from my family and friends at the idea to continue living a more nomadic lifestyle past my mid-twenties, which often makes me question my own instinct as well.

Most of my friends are settled down now. They have found a steady partner to build a life with, they have bought a house, they have a dog, and they are having children. To them, the idea of continuing to live abroad is not necessarily appealing and has them even a bit worried for me sometimes. Am I ever going to find love that way? Am I choosing the path of being forever alone? Do I not want children? Do I not want to save for a house? If I can continue travelling during my annual 2-week vacation, why the need to live abroad AGAIN? The same questions come back time after time and as an easily influenceable person, I find myself conflicted all over again every single time one pops up.

The truth is that I do want all the same things that they have. I do want to find love. I do want a house. I do want a dog. I do want to have children. The thing is… I’m not sure I’m ready for all of this NOW. Maybe my path is to experience all of this in my thirties instead of my twenties. Would that be so wrong? But of course, my family and friends are not the only ones asking me these questions. I am asking the same questions to myself everyday, trying to figure out what I really want and trying to separate myself from the societal pressure I feel. What if the only factor playing in the balance is the fact that I am single? If I were to meet the right person here today, would I, all of a sudden, be ready to have all those things in my life? Would it change my desire to go live abroad? Hard to say.

Plus, I am, too, worried that maybe this choice of lifestyle is also the reason why I haven’t yet met a person to share my life with. When you change countries every 5-8 months, you kind of try not to get too attached to avoid heartbreak. However, on the other hand, am I really going to miss out on going on a wonderful new adventure abroad for the possibility of maybe meeting the right person at home? Just writing it sounds silly to me. Plus, I feel like it puts undesirable pressure to constantly date while I am at home, to make an effort to get out there and try and to not “lose” any more time being single. Is it just me or the idea of meeting the love of my life this way doesn’t sound that appealing? It makes me feel like home is my waiting room to meet love.

What if I should see it the other way? What if I should embrace the fact that I’m still single past my mid-twenties and take this opportunity to continue living my great adventures around the world for me and only me while I don’t have anyone else to take into consideration? Why not embrace the freedom of not having any long-term commitments yet? I’m not saying that I want to do this for the next 10 years. I’m just saying that maybe I shouldn’t be forcing myself into a steady lifestyle just yet, when I don’t feel completely ready. Where does it say that you have to be all settled by 25?

However, this is not the only thing making me hesitate to leave again. If my dilemma was solely based on the societal pressure I feel to settle down, it wouldn’t actually be such a dilemma. I could take it. What plays more in the balance, however, is the missing out on what’s going on at home while I’m abroad. Because no matter which wonderful experiences I’m having away from home, a part of me is always nostalgic of the family dinners I miss, of not seeing my friend’s baby’s first steps, of not being physically there to hug my friends when things go wrong, of not laughing together about life around a nice meal and wine on a Thursday night. It’s these moments that change everything and make this such a heart-wrenching decision.

Of course I still keep in touch with my friends at home while I’m away, but it’s not the same as being there physically. And of course, I always meet new friends abroad, but somehow, they never replace the people who have been with me for the past 10 or 20 years of my life, who have been there through the highs and lows and who know me better than anyone else. They’re the ones making this decision a difficult one. Because I love them all so deeply and it pains me to be away for too long and to miss too many moments with them.

So, here we are. Stuck in the same dilemma for the past 5 years, with no obvious answer. If it were that easy, it wouldn’t be life, right? I know I will have to sacrifice something somehow. And I think I know what I want to do, deep down. You can probably all guess which path I’m aiming for just by reading this. I guess I’m just still hoping for a miracle that would allow me to have the best of both worlds. But the fact is that it comes down to the same basic question every time: what am I going to regret the most? Missing a year in my friends and family’s life or missing a year of discovery and learning abroad?

I have a feeling that I’m going to be faced with the same question until my urge for adventure starts fading or until other spheres of my life start shifting. I secretly hope that it’s going to happen soon, because it would make my life a lot easier (and help me sleep better!). But I have faith that this is how things are meant to be. I just need to follow the journey that’s calling.